Protective Mothers that Fight for their Sexually Abused Children

This blog article is a tribute to the mothers out there in the world that have spent huge chunks of their lives fighting for the safety / healing of their sexually abused children.  These women are incredible spirits and are an inspiration to us all.

I know mothers who have absolutely gone the distance for their children.  These women don’t get thanked often, but I do want to let them know that they are appreciated, recognized and deeply valued.

These mothers do a lot of things right.

• They listen attentively to their children, even if hearing the horror stories of sexual abuse breaks their heart.  They want to know what happened, and no matter how hard it is to hear, they listen to every single word.
• These mothers have clearly done a good job building communication with their children even before this point.  Children have to know that it is ok to tell – “telling the secret” is often one of the biggest barriers in children getting help from their abuse.  The children have to have someone safe to tell, someone they trust, someone that they can rely on to help them.  If the mother hasn’t already built that kind of relationship with her children, she has drastically lowered the chances that her children will ever tell her their deepest secrets of abuse.  Mothers that are approachable will
• These inspirational mothers do what it takes to protect their children from abusers, including leaving the perpetrator in whatever way is necessary – divorce, moving to another area of the country, going into a shelter, etc.
• They take assertive strong legal action against the perpetrator such as filing a report with child protective services, filing protective orders, pressing charges against the offender.
• They withstand the pressure and lack of support from other friends and family members who may, for whatever reasons, oppose taking a strong stance against the perpetrator.  These mothers know that protecting their children is more important than the approval of family members who want to hide embarrassing issues in the closet.
• These mothers are dedicated to finding helpful resources for their children’s therapy and treatment for sexual abuse.  This is not always an easy task, and it might require a great deal of persistence, but these mothers will persist, for as long as it takes. (If you need assistance in finding support or help, please contact Kathy at AbuseConsultants.com.  There are helpful resources available for you and your children, no matter where you live.)
• These mothers sit with their children as they cry, they comfort their children after nightmares, they let their children cling to them when “being away from mommy” feels too scary.  These mothers recognize that their children have been crime victims, that they have PTSD from their abuse, and that their neediness has skyrocketed.  Good mothers let it be ok that their children need this extra time and attention to rebuild their emotional security again.
• These mothers are strong for their children, even when their heart is breaking.  They get their own personal support system to help with their intense emotions (believe me, being the mother of an abused child is a highly emotional situation), and they find a way, place, and time to talk about their own grief and anger so that they can be present and available for their children.
• These mothers are brave enough to honestly assess the situation, and to look closely at how their children got tangled in an abusive situation.  They learn from whatever mistakes were made, and correct them.  They think back to see if there were any warning signs or high-risk factors that they missed, and learn how to handle things differently now that they are aware of the abuse.  They figure out what to do in the future to keep their children safe from being abused in that particular way ever again.
• These mothers spend hours and hours of time with their children, even if they are acting-out and emotionally distraught from the abuse they suffered.  The mothers temper their discipline with deep understanding that their children are acting out of their hurt, fear, pain, anger, etc.  These moms realize that their children’s behavioral issues are not about the children being “bad”.
• These mothers provide new and positive activities for their children to help boost their tattered self-esteem and body image.  They find recreational activities, or artistic activities, etc that give their children healthy feelings of acceptance, accomplishment, mastery, positive self-worth, creativity, growth, etc.
• Protective mothers will do everything in their power to help their children overcome the long-term negative effects of childhood sexual abuse.  They are determined to not leave their children to suffer in silence and isolation.  These mothers actively attend their needs, provide comfort, and help their children move forward as healthy, productive members of society.

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Helping children recover from sexual abuse can be a long, difficult process, but if non-offending mothers are not willing to be protective and helpful for their children, the negative affects of the abuse can multiply and worsen through the years.  Untreated sexual abuse issues lead to all kinds of additional complicating factors such as addictions, promiscuity, self harm, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, repeated involvement in destructive relationships, angry behavior, destructive behavior, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, additional abuse, dissociative disorders, etc.  The cost of untreated sexual abuse truly multiplies exponentially over time.

Mothers that are willing to help and protect their children as close to the injury-point as possible are helping their children in the here-and-now, and creating a permanent and positive effect on their children’s lives.  These mothers are also making a positive difference that can have a positive influence on society for years to come.

For those mothers that are willing to protect their children, here are my very best wishes that today is the most wonderful Mother’s Day for you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping your children.  You truly deserve a good day today!

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

*Office sessions available for those that live near the Dallas Texas area.

*Online support and phone consultations available for those who live anywhere else.

When Children Disclose about Sexual Abuse

When children tell adults that they were sexually abused, the three most important responses the children need to hear immediately are:

• That you will do everything you can to protect them from ever being hurt again – Safety First!
• That you love them, it was good for them to tell you, you are sorry they were hurt, and you will do everything you can to comfort and soothe them when they are upset.
• That the abuse was not their fault – that they are not to blame, and the offender was very wrong for hurting them.

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The long-term negative effects of childhood sexual abuse can be greatly reduced with gentle and effective intervention as quickly as possible. When a child actually tells you they were sexually abused, they are in a state of crisis that needs your attention. The child may or may not demonstrate this crisis state externally, but do not take the situation lightly, even if the child does not appear that upset about it. The child may not be able to understand or comprehend the amount of damage that was done to them via the sexual abuse, and thus may not be expressing a crisis demeanor outwardly.

As the adult, you may already know that childhood sexual abuse (CSA) has very serious long-term effects on a child unless it is properly addressed.  If not, please see www.AbuseConsultants.com .  Research and learn more about this topic.  Do not assume that sexual abuse can simply be forgotten or ignored.

The damaging effects of sexual abuse are significantly reduced for a child who receives proper attention after the disclosure compared with a child whose needs were ignored at the time.

It is important to report this disclosure of child abuse to the proper authorities as quickly as possible. You may have trouble finding a counselor or therapist who is willing to get involved in a pre-legal situation. If you are uncomfortable with making the report to the child protection agency yourself, you can make an appointment with your child’s medical doctor or pediatrician.  Informing the doctor of the sexual abuse disclosure will put the doctor in the position of being required to call the authorities. All physicians and mental health professionals are required by law to call about suspected sexual abuse – they do not have to have proof that it happened. A suspicion of abuse is all that is required.

Another highly valuable option is to contact your local Child Advocacy Center.  These agencies are staffed with professionals that are knowledgeable and fully prepared to do forensics interviews.

Once the abuse of your child is officially reported, the authorities will speak with you and your child as quickly as they can. Your local authorities can guide you on what is and is not recommended for you to do at this point.  Be sure to check!

It is important for you to go through the proper channels of reporting sexual abuse in case you need to follow through with formal legal protection for your child from the perpetrator. Make lots of phone calls to check with your local resources about the correct procedures to follow in your area. The last thing you would want to do is to mess up this protection procedure and allow the perpetrator to have continued access at hurting the child due to some messed up technicality. Remember, your first promise to the child is “Safety First!”

An important helpful hint is for you to write down as many specifics as you can immediately. Keep a running log of who said what, when, where, etc. If you see your child doing any odd or unusual behaviors, write that on a list down to discuss later with the authorities, or the child’s therapist. These behaviors may contribute to understanding what has happened.

If the child approaches you to talk more about the abuse, be there for them as supportively as you can. Be careful about purposefully soliciting information from the child while you are still in the investigation process with the authorities. Check with the authorities directly regarding how they want you to handle discussing further information about the abuse with your child. In some places, there is a fine line between offering support to the child and gathering helpful information about the abuse and “tampering with the witness.” Let your local authorities clearly explain what is and isn’t helpful for them, which ultimately goes toward helping the child.

The children that have the courage to report the abuse at an early age are an incredible little people. It is a giant process, and the internal strength required from these children is highly commendable. These children are also very fortunate in that there are lots of things that can be done to to help them at this early point.

Children do not need the negative effects of sexual abuse compiling and compounding upon them.  There are many resources available to prevent this from happening.  Addressing your child’s emotional needs as early and supportively as possible will be so very beneficial for their long-term healing.

If you need assistance with this issue, please contact a therapist that specializing in trauma and abuse.

Kathy Broady LCSW can be found in the Dallas area, or is available worldwide through www.AbuseConsultants.com .